I feel broken inside

My aunt (my mothers sister) passed away on the 21st of October.

This for me was so sudden. I did not expect this. We were told as a family on the 22nd of October that she might not make it but I had hope.I found out officially Wednesday at work.

My mom lost her oldest sister in 2017. That was not that difficult for me because I was really not that close to her.

My current aunt who passed away was my 2nd mother. She was literally my best friend. She brought me up. She took care of me from birth when my mother went to work in Florida ,USA. 

Every time I fought with my mom I would call her. She was my moms best friend. She and my mother were so close. Literally my mom shared everything with her.

I am also close to my aunts sons, they literally my brothers because I grew up so closely with my aunt and her sons.

She always made sure I was okay, happy and got everything I wanted. She taught me so many things. She taught me how to make dumpling from scratch, how to cook mogodu, how to bake, how to be kind to everyone. She was the epitome of an angel.

This is very hard for me to deal with. I cry everyday, I am not able to sleep at night, I think I fall asleep every night at 2am. 

The other part thinks of my grand mother. When I found out about my aunt on Wednesday I did not know what to say to my grandmother. 

Because she told me Tuesday morning my aunt passed away ,she could feel it. And the fact that she was right , I did not know what to say. I know she is very crushed and heart broken.

I remember on Tuesday when she was crying she was saying to God “I have been trusting you, you left me God, you took my beautiful daughter ,God how am I going to live without her ,I might as well died “

That was very hard for me to take in. I had to keep strong and not tear up. That really hurt,badly.

It still does not feel real to me. I feel emotionally and spiritually tired. I felt like a zombie. Just going to work but not present.

I can’t really eat, I do not have an appetite.

I think I eat once a day just so that I do not faint. I feel so angry at God. I feel like if you are God why would you let this happen? I do not understand. Then again we are told not to question God.

I am very irritable, I snap very quickly,moody, just not in the mood for company. 

Always want to be alone. I struggle to pray.  

I just do not understand why did this happen. I tried to think of so many ways of what lead to this, how could my aunt die. That did not make sense to me.

That was not ever the plan. 

I would have never in my wildest dreams thought my aunt will not be alive at this moment. I thought my granny was the one who wouldn’t make it. 

I remember how badly I prayed for God to keep my granny to see me graduate but little did I know I was praying for my aunt to see me graduate.Everyday it gets worse for me. Harder to accept. 

Sometimes when I am sitting in the office , I just tear up. I had so many plans. I wanted to take her and my granny for holiday when she got better, I bought her a bottle of wine from mossel bay , I wanted her and my granny to walk me down the isle. 

Last year I went through a lot. My heart was broken. It took many months to be able to get back to myself and just when I thought I was having a better year ,my heart gets broken again, however worse than before. 

It hurts so bad. It feels like someone put a sword into my heart and twist it up to put the sword deeper into my heart.

I don’t know, I really don’t know. 

Anyway, thank you to my friends who send messages, who keep calling me and asking to help money wise.

I do appreciate it.

Xoxo 

Onthatile 

I have been struggling! THE TRUTH

It is so easy to put a mask in life. Go on and pretend like nothing bad is happening to you.

Always showing your best self and never showing your flaws. To scared to show your fears to people. 

So I’ve been struggling with not allowing God to take control. It sounds so Ironic because last week I was speaking about letting God take control. 

I have really big dreams for myself and husband and children. 

And this year I’ve been seeing my close friends really getting that promotion that I wanted, getting that house that I wanted to buy and nothing really happening for me.

I know it sounds so selfish. Trust me I am happy for my friends, they truly deserve everything they are receiving.

But on the other hand it was like God what about me? 

What am I not doing right ? Am I not praying enough ? Am I not serving enough.

HOWEVER! I had to remind myself there is nothing I can do MORE or LESS that can make God love me more or love me less. 

So no matter how much I pray, that is not a ticket for me to be on Gods good side. Because that does not exist.

I can stay all my life and not sin and I will still not have a ticket to his good side.

Because God loves me unconditionally. It does not matter what I do.

He has perfect timing for me. I have been really struggling with that. I have been sad for a while. And I needed to take time and reflect and remember I am not serving to please God🤣.

I am serving because it is something I love.

I need to keep reminding myself that Onthatile “be still and know he is God”

He is in control. He knows when I should be getting married, having children, buying my first house, completing my doctorate, getting promoted at work.

He knows it all. And I think we as humans get irritated because we compare ourselves with other people. We forget , own race ,own lane and own pace. 

I’m sure there are people who look at me and want what I have and vice versa. 

Stop comparing yourself. Do your BEST YOU.

Sometimes you want what people have and you do not know what they had to do to get that. You see a beautiful girl on Instagram that looks like she is living the life, you do not know what she did to get that. So do not envy what you do not know. 

If you have been like me, it is okay. You are human. You not perfect. You will feel down, sad, worthless and useless. But please remember God is in control.

Isaiah 1:19 (living Bible )

“If only you will let me help you. If only you obey l, then I will make you rich “

We are nothing without God. Allow God to help you, speak to him.

If you still struggle you can connect with me and I can pray for you.

You can contact me on the following social networking sites:

Email: osekano 3@gmail.com

Instagram :Onthatile_Sekano 

Xoxo

Onthatile 

Letting God take control

I know it is a very difficult thing in life to let God take control of your life especially when you want your life to work out a certain way.

I used to struggle with that ALOT. I used to plan a lot of things and when the plans did not work out I would feel so disappointed at myself and not realizing that God needs to take control.

It’s very true that rejection is Gods protection.

If there is something you want in life for example a specific relationship, job, bursary ,being accepted at university and it does not happen that way. Please remember that rejection does not mean it will never happen. Sometimes it just means *not now*. There could be many reasons for that. God may want you to go through a few things first before you get that, or you might not be in the correct position yet for that. So learn that it’s OKAY to be rejected, and it’s not the end of the world. 

You can still get that thing you have wanted for years, at the right time.

I remember in 2015 when I started at university , I wanted to study overseas in 2016. I went to the study abroad offices and they said to me that they do not allow psychology students to study abroad because “our curriculum is different, our health laws are different “

I was very disappointed about that. HOWEVER, I did not give up on my dream. I knew I wanted to study abroad. That has always been my dream and within a year I went back to the offices to hear if they have other options and I was told they changed the rules and psychology students were allowed to study abroad.

I was so happy and excited about that. That is proof that rejection is just Gods protection. I 100% know that was the right time for me to go there. Because when I went to Malaysia, it was a bittersweet moment because I was going through a bad breakup and I was also moving to a new country and it was a lot of sad and happy emotions at the same time. 

I can absolutely say that needed to happen because I was able to find myself again, to become a new me again, to find myself in Christ again, to go back to the things I love again, spend time by myself again without any interruptions.

So I just want to encourage everyone, I know that sometimes you could be writing a vision board and it’s already October and you have not achieved not even ONE THING from that vision board.

Trust me I know how it feels that happened to me for 2 years. But that does not mean give up, if it’s really your dream you will continue to put up the vision board year by year until you complete that vision board. 

I used to do that with my dream of studying abroad, I put my vision board year after year and dololo (nothing), but I didn’t give up.

So do not give up, God had great plans for your future, just let him in your life, tell him how you feel, tell him what you want. I promise he will make all your hearts desires come to pass. 

When I entered 2019, I made a decision that I will let God take control of my life, that does not mean not doing anything for myself. I did create a vision board for myself (I will create a post about it end of year). I created a time frame for things I wanted in my vision board however some of it did not happen at that time frame but I still did not give up. I still prayed over it and it did happen just not at the time frame I wanted.

So all will happen for you. Just give it time. God loves you, you are his precious jewel, he really has good plans for you, give it time

I love you all so much ,thank you for always taking tome to read my blog. I’m glad I can share my life and experiences with you all.

Xoxo 

Onthatile💕