I feel broken inside

My aunt (my mothers sister) passed away on the 21st of October.

This for me was so sudden. I did not expect this. We were told as a family on the 22nd of October that she might not make it but I had hope.I found out officially Wednesday at work.

My mom lost her oldest sister in 2017. That was not that difficult for me because I was really not that close to her.

My current aunt who passed away was my 2nd mother. She was literally my best friend. She brought me up. She took care of me from birth when my mother went to work in Florida ,USA. 

Every time I fought with my mom I would call her. She was my moms best friend. She and my mother were so close. Literally my mom shared everything with her.

I am also close to my aunts sons, they literally my brothers because I grew up so closely with my aunt and her sons.

She always made sure I was okay, happy and got everything I wanted. She taught me so many things. She taught me how to make dumpling from scratch, how to cook mogodu, how to bake, how to be kind to everyone. She was the epitome of an angel.

This is very hard for me to deal with. I cry everyday, I am not able to sleep at night, I think I fall asleep every night at 2am. 

The other part thinks of my grand mother. When I found out about my aunt on Wednesday I did not know what to say to my grandmother. 

Because she told me Tuesday morning my aunt passed away ,she could feel it. And the fact that she was right , I did not know what to say. I know she is very crushed and heart broken.

I remember on Tuesday when she was crying she was saying to God “I have been trusting you, you left me God, you took my beautiful daughter ,God how am I going to live without her ,I might as well died “

That was very hard for me to take in. I had to keep strong and not tear up. That really hurt,badly.

It still does not feel real to me. I feel emotionally and spiritually tired. I felt like a zombie. Just going to work but not present.

I can’t really eat, I do not have an appetite.

I think I eat once a day just so that I do not faint. I feel so angry at God. I feel like if you are God why would you let this happen? I do not understand. Then again we are told not to question God.

I am very irritable, I snap very quickly,moody, just not in the mood for company. 

Always want to be alone. I struggle to pray.  

I just do not understand why did this happen. I tried to think of so many ways of what lead to this, how could my aunt die. That did not make sense to me.

That was not ever the plan. 

I would have never in my wildest dreams thought my aunt will not be alive at this moment. I thought my granny was the one who wouldn’t make it. 

I remember how badly I prayed for God to keep my granny to see me graduate but little did I know I was praying for my aunt to see me graduate.Everyday it gets worse for me. Harder to accept. 

Sometimes when I am sitting in the office , I just tear up. I had so many plans. I wanted to take her and my granny for holiday when she got better, I bought her a bottle of wine from mossel bay , I wanted her and my granny to walk me down the isle. 

Last year I went through a lot. My heart was broken. It took many months to be able to get back to myself and just when I thought I was having a better year ,my heart gets broken again, however worse than before. 

It hurts so bad. It feels like someone put a sword into my heart and twist it up to put the sword deeper into my heart.

I don’t know, I really don’t know. 

Anyway, thank you to my friends who send messages, who keep calling me and asking to help money wise.

I do appreciate it.

Xoxo 

Onthatile