I feel broken inside

My aunt (my mothers sister) passed away on the 21st of October.

This for me was so sudden. I did not expect this. We were told as a family on the 22nd of October that she might not make it but I had hope.I found out officially Wednesday at work.

My mom lost her oldest sister in 2017. That was not that difficult for me because I was really not that close to her.

My current aunt who passed away was my 2nd mother. She was literally my best friend. She brought me up. She took care of me from birth when my mother went to work in Florida ,USA. 

Every time I fought with my mom I would call her. She was my moms best friend. She and my mother were so close. Literally my mom shared everything with her.

I am also close to my aunts sons, they literally my brothers because I grew up so closely with my aunt and her sons.

She always made sure I was okay, happy and got everything I wanted. She taught me so many things. She taught me how to make dumpling from scratch, how to cook mogodu, how to bake, how to be kind to everyone. She was the epitome of an angel.

This is very hard for me to deal with. I cry everyday, I am not able to sleep at night, I think I fall asleep every night at 2am. 

The other part thinks of my grand mother. When I found out about my aunt on Wednesday I did not know what to say to my grandmother. 

Because she told me Tuesday morning my aunt passed away ,she could feel it. And the fact that she was right , I did not know what to say. I know she is very crushed and heart broken.

I remember on Tuesday when she was crying she was saying to God “I have been trusting you, you left me God, you took my beautiful daughter ,God how am I going to live without her ,I might as well died “

That was very hard for me to take in. I had to keep strong and not tear up. That really hurt,badly.

It still does not feel real to me. I feel emotionally and spiritually tired. I felt like a zombie. Just going to work but not present.

I can’t really eat, I do not have an appetite.

I think I eat once a day just so that I do not faint. I feel so angry at God. I feel like if you are God why would you let this happen? I do not understand. Then again we are told not to question God.

I am very irritable, I snap very quickly,moody, just not in the mood for company. 

Always want to be alone. I struggle to pray.  

I just do not understand why did this happen. I tried to think of so many ways of what lead to this, how could my aunt die. That did not make sense to me.

That was not ever the plan. 

I would have never in my wildest dreams thought my aunt will not be alive at this moment. I thought my granny was the one who wouldn’t make it. 

I remember how badly I prayed for God to keep my granny to see me graduate but little did I know I was praying for my aunt to see me graduate.Everyday it gets worse for me. Harder to accept. 

Sometimes when I am sitting in the office , I just tear up. I had so many plans. I wanted to take her and my granny for holiday when she got better, I bought her a bottle of wine from mossel bay , I wanted her and my granny to walk me down the isle. 

Last year I went through a lot. My heart was broken. It took many months to be able to get back to myself and just when I thought I was having a better year ,my heart gets broken again, however worse than before. 

It hurts so bad. It feels like someone put a sword into my heart and twist it up to put the sword deeper into my heart.

I don’t know, I really don’t know. 

Anyway, thank you to my friends who send messages, who keep calling me and asking to help money wise.

I do appreciate it.

Xoxo 

Onthatile 

I have been struggling! THE TRUTH

It is so easy to put a mask in life. Go on and pretend like nothing bad is happening to you.

Always showing your best self and never showing your flaws. To scared to show your fears to people. 

So I’ve been struggling with not allowing God to take control. It sounds so Ironic because last week I was speaking about letting God take control. 

I have really big dreams for myself and husband and children. 

And this year I’ve been seeing my close friends really getting that promotion that I wanted, getting that house that I wanted to buy and nothing really happening for me.

I know it sounds so selfish. Trust me I am happy for my friends, they truly deserve everything they are receiving.

But on the other hand it was like God what about me? 

What am I not doing right ? Am I not praying enough ? Am I not serving enough.

HOWEVER! I had to remind myself there is nothing I can do MORE or LESS that can make God love me more or love me less. 

So no matter how much I pray, that is not a ticket for me to be on Gods good side. Because that does not exist.

I can stay all my life and not sin and I will still not have a ticket to his good side.

Because God loves me unconditionally. It does not matter what I do.

He has perfect timing for me. I have been really struggling with that. I have been sad for a while. And I needed to take time and reflect and remember I am not serving to please God🤣.

I am serving because it is something I love.

I need to keep reminding myself that Onthatile “be still and know he is God”

He is in control. He knows when I should be getting married, having children, buying my first house, completing my doctorate, getting promoted at work.

He knows it all. And I think we as humans get irritated because we compare ourselves with other people. We forget , own race ,own lane and own pace. 

I’m sure there are people who look at me and want what I have and vice versa. 

Stop comparing yourself. Do your BEST YOU.

Sometimes you want what people have and you do not know what they had to do to get that. You see a beautiful girl on Instagram that looks like she is living the life, you do not know what she did to get that. So do not envy what you do not know. 

If you have been like me, it is okay. You are human. You not perfect. You will feel down, sad, worthless and useless. But please remember God is in control.

Isaiah 1:19 (living Bible )

“If only you will let me help you. If only you obey l, then I will make you rich “

We are nothing without God. Allow God to help you, speak to him.

If you still struggle you can connect with me and I can pray for you.

You can contact me on the following social networking sites:

Email: osekano 3@gmail.com

Instagram :Onthatile_Sekano 

Xoxo

Onthatile 

Letting God take control

I know it is a very difficult thing in life to let God take control of your life especially when you want your life to work out a certain way.

I used to struggle with that ALOT. I used to plan a lot of things and when the plans did not work out I would feel so disappointed at myself and not realizing that God needs to take control.

It’s very true that rejection is Gods protection.

If there is something you want in life for example a specific relationship, job, bursary ,being accepted at university and it does not happen that way. Please remember that rejection does not mean it will never happen. Sometimes it just means *not now*. There could be many reasons for that. God may want you to go through a few things first before you get that, or you might not be in the correct position yet for that. So learn that it’s OKAY to be rejected, and it’s not the end of the world. 

You can still get that thing you have wanted for years, at the right time.

I remember in 2015 when I started at university , I wanted to study overseas in 2016. I went to the study abroad offices and they said to me that they do not allow psychology students to study abroad because “our curriculum is different, our health laws are different “

I was very disappointed about that. HOWEVER, I did not give up on my dream. I knew I wanted to study abroad. That has always been my dream and within a year I went back to the offices to hear if they have other options and I was told they changed the rules and psychology students were allowed to study abroad.

I was so happy and excited about that. That is proof that rejection is just Gods protection. I 100% know that was the right time for me to go there. Because when I went to Malaysia, it was a bittersweet moment because I was going through a bad breakup and I was also moving to a new country and it was a lot of sad and happy emotions at the same time. 

I can absolutely say that needed to happen because I was able to find myself again, to become a new me again, to find myself in Christ again, to go back to the things I love again, spend time by myself again without any interruptions.

So I just want to encourage everyone, I know that sometimes you could be writing a vision board and it’s already October and you have not achieved not even ONE THING from that vision board.

Trust me I know how it feels that happened to me for 2 years. But that does not mean give up, if it’s really your dream you will continue to put up the vision board year by year until you complete that vision board. 

I used to do that with my dream of studying abroad, I put my vision board year after year and dololo (nothing), but I didn’t give up.

So do not give up, God had great plans for your future, just let him in your life, tell him how you feel, tell him what you want. I promise he will make all your hearts desires come to pass. 

When I entered 2019, I made a decision that I will let God take control of my life, that does not mean not doing anything for myself. I did create a vision board for myself (I will create a post about it end of year). I created a time frame for things I wanted in my vision board however some of it did not happen at that time frame but I still did not give up. I still prayed over it and it did happen just not at the time frame I wanted.

So all will happen for you. Just give it time. God loves you, you are his precious jewel, he really has good plans for you, give it time

I love you all so much ,thank you for always taking tome to read my blog. I’m glad I can share my life and experiences with you all.

Xoxo 

Onthatile💕

5 Things people do not know about me that are ESSENTIAL

Heloooo my Sunflowers :)

Okay so today I decided to write about something different. Something I never really write about. 

I am going to let you all into 5 things that people do not know about me that are essential.

Hopefully this will give you all a bit of insight of the type of person I am.

Here we go...

1. I’m a very quiet person.

It sounds weird because I do talk a lot.

But Im actually an introvert type of person.

I usually keep things to myself and sometimes it’s not a good thing because I don’t tell people how I feel which can be dangerous sometimes because I end up lashing out to people.

 2. I do not like to open up about my life.

It’s very difficult for me to open up to people. It takes a very very very long time for me to trust people to open up to. 

I have to really really really trust you to open up about my life and unfortunately opening up takes time. I have to see with time that I can trust you enough. 

Why ? Because I’ve really had people in my life before who I’ve trusted very very much and they betrayed my trust. Therefore for me it takes time to trust people. Trust for me is about actions. I won’t trust someone just because they say “you can trust me or I’m here for you “

I always say it’s always better to keep quiet and just show me with your actions.

They actions will determine the level of trust we will have. If I’m around a negative person ,a person who does not respect me , a person who always fights me or whatever then I DEFINITELY will not open up to a person like that.

3. I am kind of a loner

I honestly prefer being alone. I’m not the type of person who likes to hang out with a lot of people. I become claustrophobic and start getting anxiety. Because my job requires me to interact with a lot of people during the week. During the weekend I just want to rest and enjoy my alone time. If I see a friend. I will see a friend for 3-4 hours but not longer than that.Some people find that offensive but I’m really not a chatty person. I hate loud people, people who make noise they give me headaches so I would rather invest my time doing something intimate during my alone time. Perhaps, watching a movie , going to eat amazing food , going for a hike,  spending the day at a spa, doing something adventures. 

4. I am not afraid to cut people out of my life.

When I decide to cut some people or someone out of my life. I COMPLETELY CUT THEM! It’s actually quiet funny because I give people warnings like “if you continue with 1, 2 and 3 I will leave “ and I don’t think they truly believe me 😂🤣.Which is funny, But there comes a time when I am gatvol and I seriously cut them out of my life and I don’t give them a chance to come back again. Some people I don’t give warnings but I give them 2nd chances without letting them know I’m giving them another chance and if I don’t see a change, I cut them off. I guess you can say that’s the evil side of me or the bad side of me. I actually mentally cut people as well which means, in my mind I’ve completely let you go and that means I won’t even think of you. You just do not exist in my life anymore. I am not sure when did I start becoming so good at doing that but I really am not afraid to remove people out of my life, 

I guess this can be a good or a bad thing depending on how you see it.

5. I only have 5 friends.

So I keep a few people in my life for a reason. I want people who are in my life people who I will learn from, people who will push me to be a better person , people who will push me to reach for the top.I wont have people in my life who don’t add value to me. Because that is just a waste of time for me.So honestly all my friends push me so hard. All of them have done so much in their lives that push me as a person.

Honestly the best thing you can ever have around you are people with wisdom. I believe that you can’t have people around you who are not wise or who teach you how to be a better person. If have friends who are hooligans, who do stupid things, ungodly then they got to GO!!

I truly believe birds of the same feather flock together, you cannot hang out with friends that are continuously cheating on their gf's and expect yourself to not deceive your own girl at one time. Like common who are you fooling? Definitely not me. So I love to be around WISE people.

Well that’s it !! At least some of you have learned a bit about me and understand the type of person that I am. 


Let me know on my email if you have similar principles as mine or if yours are different


xoxo
Onthatile 

I got accepted into HONORS PSYCHOLOGY

Okay so those that don’t know I was originally accepted into honors already this year in South Africa for International Relations, I never applied for psychology in South Africa.

I had applied in other countries for psychology. 

However personal reasons did not allow me to start in March to do my honors and I was very very disappointed. Reason being this is what I have planned ever since I started my undergraduate degree.

However God had other plans I guess.

Honestly I was so sad, because I’ve always known what I want to do with my career and not been able to fulfill it was very heart breaking. It was like wasting my time not fulfilling what I had to fulfill. 

I missed the little things such as learning about the subject, studying ,setting my timetable, writing tests and exams.

It might sounds weird to others but I do love education. I’ve always enjoyed studying. 

And this is the best news God could have ever  given me this year. I remember putting this together on my vision board in January and being able see this come forth is just so amazing. 

You know how frustrating it is when you know what you want but you cannot seem to get it. You honestly give up, you feel like maybe you are not meant to do this.

I was really frustrated and unhappy as I knew I was not fulfilling my purpose. 

But I kept praying, fasting and I spend a lot of nights praying in tongues asking God for help because I did not know what to do.

God kept giving me the same answer through different people. The people I was close to I kept telling them how I felt and not sure if I would get accepted because I declined my initial acceptance in March. But they told me “ontha just apply ,there is always a way”

Then when I applied for wits they were giving me problems because I studied internationally I needed to verify my qualification through saqa. I could not get a hold of wits, it took a whole week to get a hold of them. 

Then after a week I have not heard anything from saqa I had to call their head office just to get someone to help me verify my application on time.

Then the other university I went to was on strike when I went there ,no one was able to help me. So I gave up. 

Omg I went through a lot so it was very demotivating and emotional exhausting. 

So you can see I had reasons on feeling like giving up. 

When I applied to another university they said my application was rejected because there was no proof of my qualification so I had to get a half day at work just to go to the university to hand in my application can you imagine that ? 

Later during that day I got an email saying “ Dear Miss Sekano it gives me great pleasure to inform you that you have been offered a space to register for bachelor of psychology honors “ 

But Goooooooooodddddddddd!!! Hahhhhh!!! Common somebody!!! God knew what he was doing. 

For those that do not know , my career goal is becoming a neuropsychologist.

So in order to become one you have to complete your honors which is 1 year and masters which is 2 years (which includes a 12 month internship and a 12 month community service) then after that I have to write a board exam then after writing it I have to register through HPCSA.So it truly is a long journey. Masters in total leads up to 3 years.

So in total I have to be studying 7 years to be a neuro psychologist.

So finally getting into honors makes it so real. I am one step closer to becoming Dr Onthatile Sekano hah!!!!!!!!!

Arg I could cry. God I thank you!! This year honestly you have seriously showed yourself in so many ways. There is no way I can say I do not believe in you.

I am so thankful. You knew how dear to my heart this was and I thank you😭

That’s all for now my sunflowers 🌻 

Have a blessed blessed week 

Xoxo

Onthatile 

Wednesday Favorites

I FINALY FOUND IT!!

OMG OMG!!

Okay so ever since I’ve been to Orlando Florida I’ve been looking for a Mimosa in South Africa. I think I’ve searched from restaurants to restaurants, and FINALLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYY I have found it.

You wouldn’t guess where ? The place I go to all the time, literally right under my nose. Tashas’s Sandton😂I know I know, it’s like “Onthatile really ? “ 

I have been anticipating to tase this delicious drink that everyone is drinking. 

A mimosa is an American drink that most U.S citizens drink during brunch.

It is not popular in South Africa . 

I must say I was very disappointed. It was not what I expected it to be. It just tastes like your drinking champagne, I could hardly taste the orange juice. 

I don’t know, maybe that’s how it’s suppose to taste like but it was not enjoyable for me as I hoped it would be. 

I honestly expected the taste the citrus of the organ juice TO SIZZLE in my mouth because of the champagne. I expected it to be MOUTH WATERING.But I will definitely try other places and as much as it was hard to find it, I will keep looking.

That’s my Wednesday favorite

Have you tried the mimosa ? If you did, did you like the taste? 
Let me know.

REMEMBER to stay blessed, kind and HONEST

xoxo
Onthatile

I have found my purpose in life

 I’m very blessed to have known at such an early age my purpose on earth. I know that my purpose is to help people and to change people’s lives and honestly that is mainly the reason I’m in the industry of psychology.

I serve at church in various departments. The one department that I absolutely LOVE is the Counselling department. 

With this department we welcome the new people in the church. People that are in the church for the first time. We take them to a room and we offer them coffee,tea,juices ,cookies ,scones and lovely snacks. They join the first timer form and then we explain to them more about the church, what we are about, the different types of branches we have in South Africa, latest projects, upcoming events etc.

The picture below are the ladies in my department. We welcome you with a HUGE SMILE AND LOVELY OPEN HEARTS. 

Then the part that I LOOOVVVVEEE the most is praying with the new people. For example there was a lady last week where her and I had a one on one sit down and she was crying,thanking me for helping her and praying with her. 

It’s so amazing to teach people about the word. Just the basics,teaching them to pray , to read their bible and mostly to actually listen to preaching CD’s over and over again. 

Sometimes we have people who have never been born again. So meaning they have not accepted Christ as their savior. So with them we go to a different room and we give them a Bible, and Preaching CD’s and then we pray with them and show them step by step and explain their new life.

So that honestly is my favorite department at church. We change lives and it’s all in the small things that we as people never realize. I know I am here on earth to SERVE the people of God and lead them to God and I love it.❤️

If you are serving in any department at church, drop me an email and let me know and tell me which department you in and perhaps explain it and say whether you like it or not 😌

That’s it for now my sun flowers. 

REMEMBER to stay BLESSED,kind, honest and beautiful

Xoxo

Onthatile